All I Can Say

I stumbled upon an old song today, one that I probably haven't heard in at least 4 years or so. Today it pulled the strings of my heart in a completely new way, almost as if I had never heard it before.

The thing I appreciate so much about this song is its stark honesty. The writer expresses exactly what his heart is feeling. So often I feel a need to spiritualize things, to say things that I know will make me sound like a spiritual person, say things that I know are doctrinely grounded/ theologically suitable for whichever situation... And I often forget that my God is actually my Daddy and wants to hear from me like a child running to her daddy for help. I often forget the beauty of the simplicity of the gospel. I forget that prayer needs to be honest and simple. I think about how David prays so boldly, almost seemingly bipolar in his emotions, but he's honest with God! It's not as if God doesn't know what his heart is feeling anyway! I want to learn to pray like that. No pretense. Just me and my God, completely honest. Completely childlike.

My thoughts today are reflections of my experience yesterday.Yesterday I walked into church not filled with joy at all.. I was shaken, yet trying to be strong. Worship started, but how was I supposed to sing? I started singing anyway, initially pretending that I was just fine. That didn't last very long. I broke. And it was a beautiful thing. I can say that I've never worshipped God like that before. Something similar has probably occured in the past, but not quite like that. I was in a place where I just said, "Lord, I'm so messed up inside. My heart is completely broken. But I will worship You anyway. Because I know You. I know that you are Merciful and Good, abounding in Compassion. I know that you are Faithful. I know that you are Holy and deserving of all honor and praise. I know that you are God...

But Lord, I am broken. So I can't sing very loud. I can't sing very joyfully. But I'll sing with what I have right now: my broken everything...
This is All that I can say... And I'm giving it to you. "

And God understands.. He doesn't take away the pain. But He does something better. He's there. With me. Holding me together.

Here are the lyrics for All I Can Say by David Crowder:

ALL I CAN SAY

Lord I'm tired, So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
Lord the dark is creeping in, creeping up to swallow me

I think I'll stop rest here a while.

Chorus:

This is All that I can say right now
And This is All that I can give.

This is All that I can say right now

And this is All that I can give, That's my Every Thing

Didn't You see me Crying
And didn't You hear me call Your Name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where You sat it down

Chorus:

This is All that I can say right now, I know it's not much
But this is All that I can give.

This is All that I can say right now,

And this is All that I can give, That's my Every Thing

I didn't notice You were standing here.

I didn't know that that was You holding me.

I didn't notice You were crying too

I didn't know that that was You washing my feet.